Beautiful People
by KSlycke08
Summary: The Brotherhood and the X-Men in a battle for fan fiction supramacy. A story set outside of my 'Playing House' series. Humor!


A satire on a day in the life of the X-Men and the Brotherhood. A stand alone story I had outside of the 'Playing House' series. Humor!

Hint: New name coming soon.

As always, my story, their characters, 'Nuff said!

Beautiful People

Thock Thock Thock

Flump!

"S#*!."

Thock Thock

Thock shrip Thock shrip

"F*#$-ing heels." Phoenix grumbled.

Throwing off her shoes Jean Grey ran into the computer room where she knew the X-Men's mentor and benefactor Professor Charles Xavier would be.

"Professor we have a problem!" She said slamming open the doors.

In reality she could have notified him with her mind but doing it this way seemed much more dramatic. What's more, throwing open doors made for a better entrance.

"Yes Jean, I could sense your distress." Professor Xavier said.

Actually he wasn't really paying that much attention he was just trying to listen to a download of the latest Muse CD on Cerebro and he was slightly annoyed Jean had interrupted him.

Besides, 'Plug In, Baby' was his favorite song.

"What is it Jean?" The Professor asked taking off his headphones, um, Cerebro.

"It's the…it's the Acolytes and, maybe, the Brotherhood too! Ungh, the pain! It's too much!" She yelled.

"Jean? Jean!" Xavier panicked.

In reality he had lost most of his abilities quite a few years ago and was relying on Jean's powers to keep the Institute going. If he lost her now he would never be able to find out the winning lottery numbers and the kids wouldn't have a place to stay.

No one ever asked him but his mortgage alone was eating him alive.

Not to mention how much he owed his bookie.

"It's not…it's not that professor!" She gasped.

All she really wanted to say was that she had twisted her ankle running in those damn high heels but of course the Professor always had to panic.

In an instant the X-Men had appeared in the computer room already dressed and changed for battle. Spandex really did fit under regular clothes that way and hid any bulges or embarrassing bumps a lot like Spanx does.

Moreover it had been a slow week.

"Professor!"

"Jean!" Scott said rushing to her side.

Screwing up his face he lifted his eyes to the ceiling and gave the most pitiful cry he could muster.

"Noooo!!!!!" He wailed.

"Scott, I'm right here." Jean said rubbing her ankle. Honestly the guy could be a bit over dramatic sometimes.

"Oh. Yeah. Right then." He said turning back to Xavier. "Professor! We sensed your panic."

"You did?" The Professor asked.

"I mean, um, of course you did!" He added. "This is a very dire emergency indeed! In fact I must check with Cerebro and gather more information. My mental capacities must not be distracted while I commune telepathically with the mutant community. It's all very complicated with a lot of bright and flashing lights. I'm sure Jean will fill you in on all the details."

Hovering in his X-Chair Professor Xavier turned back to Cerebro and hit the house lights. It was actually an old disco ball covered in red cellophane but the X-Men didn't have to know that. You threw them something shiny and chances were they would be mesmerized for hours.

"Cerebro contact known location of the Brotherhood and the Acolytes!" Hank McCoy, aka The Beast, said.

"Contacting Brocolytes." Cerebro groaned.

"Bee Doop Doop Bee Doop Doop Bee." Xavier mimicked making computer noises while 'Cerebro' searched. He'd hawked the previous Cerebro months ago and had found an old Vic 20 dumpster diving and connected it to a GPS system instead.

Thankfully the X-Men were either really stupid or really blind to notice. Being their leader they'd believe anything he told them.

"Brocolytes?" Everyone blinked.

"Yeah, the Brotherhood and the Acolytes." Cerebro said.

This new one had all the personality of a grumpy old man which in fact it was. It had worked for the IRS in the late 70's before they had upgraded to the newer IBM's and if it hadn't been for Xavier he would have been enjoying his long nap by now.

"Man, what a lame name."

"Sounds like a vegetable."

"Well what did you want me to call them? The Acohood?" Cerebro fired back. Dang whippersnappers.

"Cerebro is there any known hostile activity within the Acolyte or Brotherhood base?" Beast asked. If he didn't ask him nicely he would never finish downloading Battlestar Galactica.

"There is no known hostile activity noted." Cerebro answered. How the hell should he know if they were hostile or not? He was still trying to figure out the GPS system.

"Very well, Cerebro."

"Then if you will excuse me I have very important top-level algorithms and computations to perform not to mention a few choice incoming OpenNap Protocol connections, _Wolverine_."

If they stopped waking him up maybe he could get that download done and take a good nap this time.

Snikt! Everyone looked.

"It's, um Sabretooth?" Wolverine said.

"Relax, Logan. Sabretooth isn't here." Storm said brushing him off.

She wasn't really interested in whatever it was he was trying to download and now they were so off topic it would take a team of comic book writers to find a thread of continuity in their plot line.

"Yeah Logan, you said that the last time Kurt took the last of the blueberry pancakes too." Spyke reminded him.

"Still say it was him." Wolverine grumbled retracting his claws.

Not to miss being the center of attention Jean swooned between Scott and Logan. If the writer wasn't so busy writing about knock-off Cerebro's maybe they could get back on subject. It was her job to make sure that happened.

"Ungh! The pain!" She screamed.

"Jean! Jean!" The Professor exclaimed. He couldn't believe she had gone down like a brick like that and he tried not to laugh.

Screwing up his face Scott looked down at the love of his life.

"Nnoooo!!!" He yelled again.

"Scott dammit! No, really. It's the pain! I can't believe you assholes let me fall!"

"Well what is it then?"

"Can we get to the point already?" She said reaching back and rubbing the giant goose egg that was beginning on her head.

"Absolutely. Jean, tell me what you sense." Professor Xavier asked hovering over to where she sat on the floor.

Her face was pale and her eyes dilated as the very same lids danced and fluttered with concentration. Something was afoot in the fan fiction universe and she had to find out why. With seriousness Professor Charles Xavier and his X-Men bent down to listen.

They knew, like all fan boys and girls knew that the very fate of the fan fiction comic book writers' universe could very well be on the edge of destruction!

Mwah ha ha ha ha! KSlycke inserted.

Being the writer was a lot like being God in their world and the power was overwhelming.

(Wow, now I know how the Dark Phoenix felt!)

"Ahem….Like I was saying." Jean emphasized looking up at the screen and her writer.

(Alright, fine.) KSlycke said thinking how weird it was to write about yourself in the third person.

"These Brocolytes are slowly subverting our fan base and siphoning readers away!"

"Hwwwhhhh!"

(It's the sound of a lot of people inhaling and I don't know how to spell it.)

"Uh, Nooooooo!!!" Scott said.

"Oh for…..stop that!" Jean said rolling her eyes.

"Professor, we must do something." Storm said pounding her palms on the sides of his computer desk. It looked cool in the X-Men movies and now she did it all the time.

"Yes, yes, I agree with Ororo." Professor Xavier said.

Actually he always agreed with what Storm said.

"These Brocolytes must be stopped."

Snikt.

"Sabretooth!" Wolverine said.

"It's about time these Brocolytes found out that there we are the only beautiful people allowed here!"

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Elsewhere at the Brocolyte House

Frolick Frolick Frolick

"Fa la la la la!" Toad frolicked in the yard.

The grass was a deep lush green and trimmed to the perfect height for frolicking.

"Man, dis is de life." Gambit said. He was busy throwing card into the yard while Pyro shot them down with flickers of flame.

"You ain't lying." Freddy said. He was already on his second pizza and only had three more to go.

"True dat homie." Pietro said.

Just because he was Russian didn't mean he wasn't hip to the slang.

He was laying on his back on the lawn with a piece of straw in his mouth enjoying Toad's frolicking. In fact, it was giving him just enough inspiration to paint a portrait of this perfect day.

With deep concentration he stuck his tongue out of the side of his mouth and took out his canvas.

He wanted to remember this day forever and he drew his world just as he saw it: black crayon stick figures in front of a black crayon box which was supposed to be their 'home'.

"Ah, perfection." He said admiring his work.

"This has been the best day….ever!" Lance said.

Wait…Lance?

"Fa la la la…Hey! Yo, where the hell did you come from?" Toad asked frolicking over.

"I've been here! Honest! It's not my fault your writer never put me in any stories until now!" He replied. "You get stuck in one closet and look what happens!"

"That was you?" Pietro asked.

"Like you didn't hear me pounding."

"We just thought it was Vic and Raven." Pyro said.

"Again." Freddie munched.

In the kitchen where they could always be found, the subject of the teen's conversation was having a conversation of their own.

"I wuv you."

"I wuv you more."

In the air Sabretooth pointed to his eye and made a heart shape in front of his chest with his fingers and pointed back at Mystique.

"Awww, I wuv you too Sabeytoot!"

Smoochie smoochie smoochie

"Eeeew! Old people kissing!" Pyro said.

"This is how the house is now?" Lance asked looking around.

It had never been this clean before nor was everything so organized. It was actually pretty amazing.

Plock!

Suddenly Sabretooth and Mystique broke away with a sound like a plunger.

"Hey, where the hell did you come from?"

"Oh great, another mouth to feed."

"Don't think I didn't smell those blueberry pancakes, dammit!"

"I thought we had locked you in there pretty good."

"Yeah well, it didn't help I could still hear everything, too." Lance shivered. The memories alone would keep him in psychotherapy for years to come.

"Fa la la la la! Don't worry Lancey, you can be part of our family now too, yo." Toad frolicky hopped into the kitchen.

"Family?"

Somehow with the Acolytes in here Lance didn't think they could ever be one big happy family but the others seemed genuinely happy about it.

Either that or they were drinking some serious Kool-Aid.

"Yeah, we like dis big happy fam'ly now."

"S'ow we roll up'n dis thang." Pietro said tapping his chest.

"Word." Gambit knuckle punched him back.

Through what he could gather through the walls they did seem glad to be around each other and for once KSlycke wasn't using the dot dot dot happy thing.

From what he heard they laughed and played and in the case of Sabretooth and Mystique *loved* each other very much. Sometimes too much.

Sometimes three and four times too much but that was beside the point.

It had taken some time but they really were a family.

"Joinnnn Ussss……." Freddy said waving his fingers in front of his eyes.

"You can be a part of this too." Pyro said.

"Eeee Weee Woooo….." Toad sang in the background.

"WTF?" Lance thought.

"Um, Okay." He said instead.

If they wanted to be one big happy family eating psychedelic blueberry pancakes that was fine with him.

He was starving.

"Where do I sign up?"

"Not so fast Brocolytes!"

"Brocolytes?" Everyone asked blinking.

With the sound of a sonic boom the X-Men appeared striking their battle poses and sucking in their guts just in case the Spanx didn't do its job.

Like Charlie Angel's they silhouetted each other, their favorite weapons at the ready.

"Sabretooth!" Logan yelled.

"Ah geez, not this again." Sabretooth groaned.

With a battle not seen in written word the two teams battled each other for supremacy, knocking into each other with a ferocity that only a comic book writer could think of. Using red and black ink with streaks of yellow to symbolize movement they chose their opponents and punched ducked and grabbed at each other like the warriors they truly were.

In this way they fought for at least six panels while the readers waited with baited breath to see which one would end the victor.

It was all very Lord of the Rings and KSlycke knew that somewhere, somehow, Peter Jackson would read these words and know that this would be his next great movie scene.

Suddenly!

"This is not over Brocolytes!"

After all of the carnage and blood loss the two teams hadn't gotten very far and Professor Charles Xavier had taken a rock to his hover-chair and now it needed a new complete paint job.

Damn Brocolytes. He liked that chair.

(Besides, this story is going on eight pages long and there's only so much that a person can read in one sitting.)

"There. Can. Only. Be. One!" Wolverine cried. Being a good poser he had fallen to his knees with his face up to the sky and his claws out towards his face. It looked good on ink and that's really all that mattered.

"Um, I think that's 'Highlander'." Nightcrawler said.

"Oh. Uh, Okay. This ain't over Vic!" He said instead pointing his adamantium claws in his direction.

"Yeah, yeah. She's with me already. Deal."

The real reason Sabretooth and Wolverine fought stood looking innocently away and whistling in the breeze.

It had been flattering at first but this wasn't what she had expected when she first met them. Now they had taken it too far.

"Geez, just pee in a circle around me and get it over with already, Vic."

Shrriiiip

"I was kidding! I was kidding! Damn!"

"I still have some unfinished business with you!"

"You and everyone else. Take a number." Sabretooth answered.

He was battered and bruised but in reality it had been a lot of fun for him. It wasn't every day that he could let loose with his abilities and not have to worry about keeping control of his wild side.

Well, except for that one night with Raven when they….Never mind.

"X-Men! To the X-Jet!"

"Yeah, we beat them!" Pietro yelled.

"Yeah, yo, like, that never happens."

"'Bout time."

"Does dis mean we be getting' better at dis stuff?"

"Nah, just mean you have me here." Lance said. It was no coincidence that the one time they beat the X-Men was when he was finally involved.

"What it means is, it don't mean shit." Mystique said.

"Huh?" Everyone asked.

"What Raven means is they'll be back." Sabretooth answered for her.

And he was right.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Later at the X-Mansion

"I can't believe we lost!"

"We didn't lose, we were evenly matched."

"Those Brocolytes are never going to end, are they Professor?"

"Never fear, my dear Phoenix for I have a secret plan to retain our readership. No Brocolyte alive can ever contain the power and magnitude of such a weapon. Soon, no one will be able to look away and our statistics and readership will be on a scale unseen on the fan fiction universe! Soon, soon, our readers will come from as far away as Malta and Latvia to continue reading our accolades and glorifications!"

"What is it Professor?"

"Bee Boop Bee Bee Boop Bee."

"I introduce to you…the secret desire of tweens across the fan fiction universe. The characters so connivingly evil as to create their own black hole of disparity and desperation. The hope for future generations of canon fiction and the downfall of any Sabretique fiction. I introduce to you…. The Rembot…….9000!"

"Bee Deep Boo Beep."

With a thrusting of air the double doors to Cerebro's mainframe opened while the X-Men stood staring towards the light as the two figures appeared stepping closer. They squinted and bowed and some held their hands above their foreheads as the creatures walked through the light towards them.

Hand in gloved hand it walked as the X-Men watched in awe as their readership increased.

It was amazing and no one knew how it could have possibly worked but somehow Professor Xavier had chosen his newest secret weapon against the Brocolytes.

And it had worked.

"We are Romy." It simply said.

And the X-Men weeped.

The End

Use of Bill and Ted's excellent adventure, my own twisted imagination and other images that make me laugh are probably someone else's.


End file.
